It’s freaking snowing!!!!! It was 27 degree celcius last week and now it’s freaaaaking snowing!?!!!! What the crap! X3 weather is confused

Why do you do this to me?

I sometimes wonder if something I see is dedicated to me.

This morning I woke up and went to work,

it was cold, yet indeed since it is winter.

I finished work earlier, since there was not much to do there.

So I got out of the store where I work around 1pm something.

The day was bright, the snow was falling: big fat snowflakes, like the ones I loved as a child since they were easy to make a snowman with or build fort.

So I was walking, I started playing my ipod in my “sad songs” mix, and it started with Hikari, music box version.

If you knew how serene this moment was,

how every snowflakes seemed to have their own sound making the music I was hearing through my earphones.

I felt…happy.

The music, this, made me happy.

I was walking, not even looking in front of me, well yes sometimes, but I was looking up in the sky, and I could see all the arrivals from the snowflakes.

It is incredible sometimes to think that the nature does all that.

The water goes in the air, and then, come back to its land, where it will again go in the air to fall again, either in the form of rain or snow.

As I was still walking,

I wondered when was this last time I felt this little piece of happiness in my heart,

it was a happiness that reminded me of my childhood.

When I was a child, everything seemed so easy, beautiful, fun, enjoyable, I could always find something to do, I never had limits.

But then, here I was, 20 years old, alone, walking home, and I didn’t feel any of that.

I was thinking so much about that. Why do I have to be that way now? Why does life has to be that way? Why can’t I accept who I am, or just be happy in my body? As a child, I would never even think about these questions.

I wish I was not carrying bags in each of my hands that time, I would have grab some flakes or just feel a little bit more free. Perhaps they were there to remind me of reality.

As I was still walking and listening to the song, I just thought “I can’t end this right now…”. Why would I go home? To be alone? To be inside? Not to be in the cold? Though I wasn’t even carring about the cold right there. Or just to see if I got any mails?

And there, I realised a little bit more, that I keep on not doing what I really want to do, and that I am stucked in a routine, even if I’m not the worst, not even close to it.

So I decided to make this walk longuer.

I passed the street, and started walking in the cemetery.

The snowplow didn’t passed there. The air was so bright, the sky was so white, I felt so alone, but it felt so good. I was looking at all the tomb stones, walking slowly, and could still feel this little happiness inside of me.

Then I reached the end of the small cemetery, I ended in the giant parking of the church. Fortunately, there was no car, no body, no sign of life. But still, I could feel the presence of something…nature, or some angel.

The church was on my front left, on my right there was the school, but no body were outside since it was class time, on my left there was some tables for people to eat during summer, but they were deserted, of course.

Since it was so bright, it irritated my eyes sometimes and I couldn’t escape myself from crying a little, but they were not tears, just the cold making my eyes cry. So I decided to close my eyes while walking. And there, I wished so much, that I could just dance like in my dreams, that I could just lift my foot and fly so liberately.

I just hate this weakness.

There is nothing I can do…to fly.

I can’t even feel free in my entire life.

I can’t even let go of anything.

I can’t even love myself.

I don’t even fall in love…

I can’t seem to love at all.

…

And there I was passing by the church, it was small, but after all, I couldn’t escape myself from looking at it the whole time. My eyes were seeking for something, I kept looking at the windows, but I couldn’t see anything of what was hidding behind them.

Perhaps I was hopping to see something unreal, someone.

But what for?

I walked by it entirely, I ended near the lake of my hometown. People were walking on the frozen lake, having fun, wearing big suits, and me,

I just looked at myself, and I realized the walking snowgirl that I became.

I was covered with snow, from head to toe.

And there, just like in a dream, it seemed that I woke up. I started to be cold and freeze, so I decided to walk back home, even if in my heart, I wanted to keep on walking, and just let go.

But I wasn’t dressed properly. One thing I really wanted to do was to lay on my back in the snow, look at the sky, and make a angel in the snow.

Though the thing I was wishing the most was to be with someone at that time. And actually… I couldn’t find anyone I wanted to be with right now.

I got back home, layed in front of the T.V, had a boring evening, chatted on msn, watched some funny videos, and among all of that, kept thinking that I should do better, even though outside there was and there is still a snow storm.

So here I am. Once more,

Alone.